Scars Between My Fingers

I sit here looking at my hands. They are dry and cracked from washing bottles in hot water. And I couldn’t be happier about that….but I notice something else too…..

Little scars between my fingers…on only two fingers…but I can still see them.

As I clasp my hands together to pray before dinner….I realize why they are there….

During infertility, there were times where I would pray so hard, my rings would rub up against my other fingers….causing them to bleed a little…and it left tiny scars…
I didn’t notice at the time because, with infertility, I was in so much pain, mentally and physically, that I was numb to feeling much else…

So many things I didn’t notice during the dark days……..

I know I write a lot about the hard times on this blog. It took us almost 5 years to have a child. I was incapable of even carrying my child. Infertility has been a big part of my life and I remember scouring the internet to find someone…anyone who had all of my problems….I didn’t find anyone with ALL of my problems but I did find some that I could relate to…and I held on tight to those…..like in prayer….

Every feeling they felt, every procedure, every vitamin, every doctor…I wanted to know it all. And I prayed for them…and most of them succeeded in pregnancy….and then their blogs would go silent….never hear from them again…

I never understood why….but I’m slowly understanding….

My audience……most of my followers and readers find my blog while searching for infertility.

Infertility.

They want to have a baby.

So once an infertility blogger has a baby….the blogger is either done writing, they have conquered their goal or it turns into a parenting/baby blog….

If 5 years ago, I searched for an infertility blog and the first thing I saw was a cute baby pic…it would be a punch to the gut a little(just being completely honest)..I obviously would have wanted to know they eventually succeeded but being in such a depressed, fragile, lonely state..searching for infertility blogs…I wanted information about diagnosis, treatments, procedures, timelines, experience, doctors…I could go on and on…

So this blog won’t have any more pictures of my baby boy. He is here, he is safe, he is growing and if you do want to see more pictures of him growing up, you can follow me on my new Instagram account @changingdiapers 🙂

Mark my word, I am thrilled beyond words to have my son, but like I wrote about in this post, I didn’t “beat” infertility..so I’ll continue to fight and try to find procedures and doctors and treatments for those like me. And I’ll continue to call scientists and researchers and doctors around the world to find the most up-to-date information on everything in the reproductive endocrinology world.

You see…because I think I have finally found my purpose…..I’ll write more about this in another post…but there’s a reason I started this blog years ago..to help those wanting to have a child…simple…yet so overwhelmingly complex….

And like these scars on my fingers…the memories and struggles of infertility are scars in my mind…I can’t ever fully forget about them…..

So I’m not about to forget about you….still battling, still fighting, still crying every night…

Still collecting scars…..

I’m still here….and I’m not going anywhere.

Operative Hysteroscopy #3-Return of The Scar Tissue

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a little while..so here we go:

After I got the disheartening news regarding my sister and going down the road of surrogacy, I thought to myself…well, I guess it’s back on me.

I thought long and hard that maybe this was all supposed to happen like this…

To force myself to be left with only my womb.

For some reason, I saw it as a sign….so I went back to my sonohystogram pics that I had last IVF from March 2015…and there seemed to be some sort of growth…and it didn’t look right to me.

So I called Dr. March again. Btw…Dr. March is one of the most admired gynecological surgeons in the world. I mean, I’ve been to MANY RE’s and spoken to numerous Dr.’s around the world and whenever I mention his name, respect and admiration flow in abundance. He also happens to be one of the nicest surgeons I have ever met. Probably the best bedside manner ever. Anyways, I digress, He performed my 2nd hysteroscopy and is an Asherman’s Specialist. I showed him my pics and he was confident that scar tissue had grown back…….not good at all.

So I scheduled my 3rd operative hysteroscopy.

It’s never fun but I guess you can say I’m getting used to going to the hospital and being put under, not something I look forward to but I’m getting pretty good at it. I kissed my hubby goodbye and off I went into surgery.

2 hours later….I woke up to Dr. March telling me all of the additional scar tissue he found. He said that my uterus looked like it was “hourglass” shaped due to the dense adhesions in the mid fundus area on both sides 😦 There was also a small amount of fluid and a small hematoma in the top of the uterus midline filled with old blood.

Well…isn’t that all…just great(insert extreme sarcasm)

Why does this keep happening? It doesn’t make any sense. Even to my RE’s.

He also inserted a Cook balloon stent and I had that in for about 2 weeks. I had a Cook stent in last time too…and that is supposed to keep scar tissue from reforming…but for some reason my scar tissue continues to reform and I had a small hematoma(???)

All of this is just not good friends. I ran this by my other RE and he said that scar tissue shouldn’t continue to reform if there is adequate endometrium to carry a pregnancy. He also mentioned that even if I were to get pregnant that I am at a significantly higher risk for placental problems and pre-term delivery….

So what in the h*ll am I still doing?!?

Why do I continue to put myself through pure torture? Emotionally, physically and financially???

I had my follow-up with Dr. March. I couldn’t really read him this time. He’s usually pretty positive, but this time, he simply recommended I have ANOTHER hysteroscopy. omg. Seriously, I don’t know if my cervix or uterus can take this anymore. It wouldn’t be an operative hysteroscopy but and in-office hysteroscopy during mid-cycle. He wants to view what is actually happening inside of my uterus during a natural cycle and why my lining continues to stay thin.

So, that’s what we will do.

Hysteroscopy #4…and that’s next week.

I almost feel like my body isn’t mine anymore. Honestly.

SO many surgeries. So much medicine. So many shots, hormones, anesthesia. So many times I’ve had to block the pain.

SO much heartache.

How can one person handle all of this?

Sometimes I feel like I am running in a circle, I keep doing the same things over and over again…but then, when I try to get out of the circle(like surrendering to surrogacy), I get thrown back in and denied.

What else can I do?

As I type this, no kidding, I hear a baby crying outside of my window.

To some, it’s a nuisance……but to me, it’s the most magical sound in the world. 

And that’s why I am doing this. To hear that sound. To love that sound.

To cherish that sound and all it encompasses.

For if everyone would have to go through my (our) challenges of becoming a mother, children would be cherished beyond words.

They would be loved beyond measure.

They would be seen as the miracles that they truly are.

So if you have one of those miracles, think of me.

You are living my dream.

Because remember…..

Sometimes, what we take for granted is the miracle someone else is praying for.

I’ll keep praying for my miracle…I believe one day it will come true, I must believe.